How badly hurt am I?

“We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.”

I can never explain the emotions I feel. It’s like given a pencil and a pad but nothing to write. The things are really blown out of proportion. But why does it have to be like this! Every brick of friendship is already broken into pieces. I thought everything will be fixed quietly. I thought that, as long as we have the friendship everything will be ironed out as it was before. I really thought. Too late for my regret. And the thing I can do now is sit, mope, and cry some more. Am I really that bad to inflict pain on them? I didn’t mean it, you know. I know I should be the one to make the first move but you can’t really shake hands with clenched fist, right? and it’s still hard for both sides to make amends but the fact is that we only have two choices left; one is to face it and the other hide from it. For now, I choose to hide from it. You may see me as a strong individual but deep inside I’m still wobbly like a person in crutches. I don’t have anywhere to run right now and still this pain goes on like a raging fire that even water can put it off.
Now where does this leave me? How can I tell that person the painful words in a loving way that they have a stain on their shirt? It’s not just me who wronged them but in a way they wronged me also. It felt like they used me. One minute, they are there to let me help them in their problems and the second they’re gone like the wind if their problem is already solved. The other thing was betrayal. Have you experienced trusting someone not tell any of your secrets then the next day you will hear that they already told somebody about it. I admit it is partially my fault by telling them my secret. But can you blame me? Can you blame me that I trust them because I thought they were the straight-type friends? Where’s their word of honor then? Tell me!
I hope this will be fixed and evened out even if the puzzle wouldn’t be that complete because the remarkable thing is that we really love our friends as ourselves, we hate others as we hate ourselves, we are prone to sacrifice others as we are prone to sacrifice ourselves and the most important is, we forgive others as we forgive ourselves.


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